AL-ANON

Getting Started --
You've taken the first step -- you've come to an Al-Anon meeting. Congratulations and Welcome!
What's The Next Step?

Well, that's a damn good question I thought as I read through the brochures we were handed when we walked in the room and an elderly lady recognized us as being newcomers. In a two minute conversation with Phyllis, we learned that she had had two abusive husbands (now dead) and that we have to let Courtney go and tell her that we love her and we have faith that she will make the right decisions for herself. Everyone was very friendly and made us feel welcome.

Although we should have gone to a Nar Anon meeting we decided to start with Al-Anon since Ron's cousin attended this particular meeting at 8:30 am every Saturday. There are many Al-Anon meetings each week to choose from in, but there was only one Nar-Anon meeting a week in town at an impossible time for Ron to attend. It probably would have been more beneficial to attend a Nar-Anon meeting, however, the 12 steps are still the same; as is learning how not to have an enabling personality. No matter if someone is addicted to alcohol or drugs, their loved ones must learn how not to enable them and that is difficult to do.

Cutting Courtney off financially was not a difficult decision at all. Cutting off communication, however, was another matter altogether. You might as well ask me to stop breathing . . . I can hold my breath for a little while but I have to breath now and then. So the next brochure I read seemed to be directed at those of us with enabling personalities and was entitled DETACHMENT. Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively. . . . In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinking. . . . Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives . . .

IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:

Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people. This is a hard one to do.

Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery. This is one I have to get right for once. I have taken too much shit from Courtney.

Not to do for others what they can do for themselves. We should have done this a long time ago.

Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit. O.K, O.K.

Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds. No more.

Not to create a crisis. Not me . . .

Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. **This will be the hardest but we are determined to do it. It almost goes against a parent's natural instinct to protect their child.

This is all really very good advise. Listening to people at that meeting helped strengthen our resolve to do what we had to do. We started with the serenity prayer then everyone took turns reading from the book Paths to Recovery, Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. In addition to the Twelve Steps there are Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts of Service. Everyone else seemed light years ahead of us. Everyone was so friendly I see why it is called a fellowship.

Shortly after the meeting we were at the therapists office. Courtney was supposed to come with us, but when I called her she was "way too tired, and please leave me alone." Our therapist was very supportive about what we were about to do. She told Ron that Courtney "places you on a pedestal so you have to be the one to call her and tell her that you love her but you can't take it anymore and please don't call you back, you're on your own." She told us that Courtney has to "hit bottom" and she has to "feel it deep in her soul." She said that "Courtney needs a good six months in a halfway house." (That sounded real good to me -- six months of peace.) Everyone says that addicts have to hit bottom. I'm not sure exactly what that means though. Does it mean that she has to be on the streets starving? Does it mean she has to wake up in the hospital after an overdose and have an epiphany? Or does it mean that she just calls us and says she wants to go to a halfway house because she is about to be evicted from her apartment? Or, does it just mean that she will realize that she needs help and can't get sober on her own? I guess we will eventually find out.

Calling Courtney must have been one of the hardest things Ron has ever had to do. He had decided exactly what he would say to her and he made it as quick as he could. He also told her she no longer had a job. Of course she did call back more than a few times and we ignored her calls. It was really horrible. Ron called his brother to bring him up to date and his brother was so alarmed by how miserable Ron sounded he cut short his gambling trip and came straight home. My brother-in-law and his wife and another couple came over and we fixed drinks and thought about where we would go for dinner. I just wanted to go to bed, but when I suggested my favorite Italian restaurant and everyone else wanted to go there I felt a little better. My eldest daughter, Jessica, joined us and later her boyfriend met up with us at the restaurant. It did help to get out and try to enjoy myself. It was impossible to quit thinking about Courtney . . . I still just wanted to go home and go to bed.

When you make the decision to cut off a child in a situation like this, all sorts of horrible visions start going through your mind. I knew she would be angry and bewildered and I worried about her taking an overdose. I thought about her not having anything to eat. I thought about Dopey coming back over. I thought about her being desperate and shoplifting. I thought about her walking to Quicktrip late at night. I thought about her stubbornness and winding up on the streets. The thoughts just don't end. What helped me though the days to come was one paragraph I read from an Al-Anon brochure, Just For Today . . . I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.