THE HOLIDAYS

Thanksgiving is always spent at my sister-in-law's home. We arrive in early afternoon, watch football, visit with each other and eat. It's all very casual and relaxing. After so many years of the same routine I didn't think Courtney would really feel like she missed that much - except for the food. She could not get good, homemade Lebanese food in Phoenix and I knew she had to be craving it by now. I was feeling a little anxious, however, about what her day would be like. The thought of her eating a bowl of cereal or going to McDonalds was depressing. We were relieved to hear that she was going to spend Thanksgiving with the family of another woman in treatment. She later told me it was a very enjoyable evening and the food was good. Now with Thanksgiving out of the way I had an entire month to worry about Christmas.

Christmas eve at our house is a major event for us. We start celebrating in the afternoon and just about everyone we know is invited to stop by. With Ron's family and close friends we can have anywhere from 20 to 30 for dinner. People don't leave until around midnight and most years it has been later. I start freezing food a couple of weeks in advance and no matter how hard I try, the day before Christmas Eve has me running all day long and most of the night until at least 2 a.m. In years past Courtney was very helpful with the cleaning and baking so I would miss her help again this year.

Memories of last year's Christmas Eve are mostly of wondering where Courtney was and when or if she was coming home. She had spent the night somewhere and I had talked to her several times that day and each time she promised she would be home shortly. I think the only thing that brought her home was that I had agreed to pay for a manicure. When she finally showed up it with glassy eyes, dirty hair, and an attitude so I was glad to have Jessica take her to the salon and drop her off. Naively I thought maybe she would sober up before that evening and wash her hair. Denial really helps me cope sometimes.

Thinking that Courtney was not going to like being in Arizona for Chrismas - no matter what I sent her - just added another level of stress to the holidays. But I would balance that with the fact that I did not have to worry about where or how she was this year. I was not prepared, however, for just how miserable she was or how miserable she could still make me.

A good friend of ours lives in Phoenix and a couple of weeks before Christmas he told Ron he wanted Courtney to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with him and his family. We were very grateful to Bill for including her in his holiday activities. He was also going to take her to a party and a play if she wanted to come. Courtney was very excited when I told her about Bill's invitation and was eagerly looking forward to spending the holiday with him. Since she had not graduated from the four month program yet she had to get permission, which we thought at the time would be easy.

As it turned out, Courtney was not allowed to go out both days so she choose Christmas day. She was told that it would not be fair to the other girls for her to be allowed to be out both days. Bill planned on picking her up early on Christmas day and Courtney was more than happy to wake up by seven so Bill could pick her up by eight. It sounded like Courtney was going to have a nice Christmas after all.

Christmas Eve I started the day looking forward to everyone coming over, then Courtney called. She told me she was not going to be able to go over to Bill's because she was being forced to support one of the newer girls to her home for Christmas day. Courtney was absolutely devestated, not to mention furious. Apparently she had not turned in her request to go out early enough. I had to call Bill to let him know that she would not be able to come over. At least tonight they would be cooking a nice meal at the halfway house - I thought.

Later in the evening Courtney called and talked with her sister and father before I got on the phone with her. Two minutes into our conversation her mood began to sour. Dinner didn't happen for her because someone forgot to thaw out the roast they were planning on cooking so staff decided they would order pizza for everyone instead. Only problem was that there was no place open that delivered pizza. Courtney ate a bowl of cereal. It had to make things worse for her to know that everyone was here having a great time and she seemed determined to make me miserable too.

Out of the blue she began talking about when she finishes the program at the halfway house and comes home. "I know you just want me to stay out here" she said, "but I am coming home in a few months and Dopey and I are going to be together. He has been sober for several months now and we are going to get a house. He is the love of my life and you can't keep us apart." She was successful at making me miserable. "How do you really know he has been sober?" I asked. "I know you hate him" she replied, "but I AM coming home and we WILL be together!" My hope had been that with the influence of her new friends and counselors Courtney would begin to understand that she would never be happy or stay sober with Dopey and he would never change. It was devasting to hear that she was still in love with him and actually believed their relationship could work. She seemed to have a fantasy that they would both stay sober and live happily ever after and he would never abuse her again. I had to end the conversation and get a glass of wine and hoped I wouldn't start crying in front of everyone.

I waited for several days before I told Ron what Courtney had said since I didn't want to ruin Christmas for him. Christmas day I had gotten over the shock of Courtney's comments and was able to relax and enjoy the day. Jessica had spent the night and that morning commented "it's so weird to open gifts without Courtney here." Jessica handed me a large present from Ron and she was eager for me to open it. My momentary excitement faded when I opened my gift and discovered Ron had given me a Wii. If I had made a list of things I wanted for Christmas a Wii would not have been on it. Ron and Jessica were so excited about my gift that I would not be able to take it back (like I did my birthday present). Later John and his brother came over to connect it to the T.V. and to teach us how to use it. We spend the rest of the afternoon and evening playing with the damn thing and drinking wassil. I bowled and raced a cow. At least it got my mind off of Courtney and Dopey.

Courtney called Christmas night and she seemed to be in a lot better mood. She had enjoyed the day with her friend's family and had a very nice dinner. The girl's parents had even bought her a small gift, a box of chocolates. Courtney thanked us for the gifts we sent. We had bought her an Ipod and a clock radio with speakers for her Ipod and some nice jewelry and clothes. It was a relief to know she had a nice Christmas away from us, since we had a nice Christmas away from her.

But it was sobering to think the reality was that we could not bring her home to live again. Even after she finally understands and accepts that Dopey is really not the love of her life I don't see it being in her best interest to live here. There will come a time when she will hate him, but it just won't come soon enough for us.