MESSAGES

When Courtney finally understood that we were not going to answer the phone she began to send text messages, mostly to me and some to Ron. The first one was "why was I fired from work." I couldn't believe that she had to ask. Did she really think it was o.k. to just get high on the job, especially a job where you have to drive. Although I was under strict orders not to communicate with her I felt that just a few more things probably needed to be said, and what Ron didn't know wouldn't bother him. I set her a text simply stating that she "should talk to her therapist." The first messages we received from her had no misspellings, however, later that night I received the following: "No one thinks about the pain i have been through u bette not but off my cell i pay for it not you. Dont worry you will newer see of again." Ten minutes later I received "I have no food haunt eatin all day and no cigarettes." I felt miserable. A couple of hours later as I was about to crawl into bed a few minutes after midnight I received "I am walking over there i have eaten nothing today." That did it. I sent a message back "do not come over, I'll get you some cigarettes and something from Whataburger." Well, I though we had done halfway decently for the first day, and it really didn't seem fair to just dump her with no warning. Besides, I wanted to sleep through the night and it would have taken valium to knock me out. Ron insisted on driving me over there even though I really did not want him to go. We got the hamburger and cigaretts and when she came down to get them I got out of the car and took them to her. It was heart wrenching. She was sober and she thanked me and hugged me and wouldn't let go. I told her that I loved her more than my life but we just could not take it anymore. I had instructed Ron to stay in the car, but when he saw me hugging her he couldn't take it and got out to tell her that he loved her but just couldn't take it anymore. I quickly got back in the car so I could get him out of there. We were miserable, but felt a little better. About an hour later I received the message "thank you for the food and cig really appreciate it love you." Ron agreed with me that we had done alright for the first day.

In the days that followed there were messages pleading for food. "Please, please im sooo hungry i cant eat pb&j every day im sick of it i ate nothing yesterday i need cigs more than you realize im crying cause im so hungry." Reading things like that would make me lose my appetite. I would wonder how I could eat when my daughter had nothing. Not that it was a bad thing that my appetite was down since I did need to lose about fifteen pounds. About the only things I felt like eating were cereal, toast or cookies with milk. Fortunately we went out a lot, or rather Ron did. Once in a while I would meet him and some of his co-workers at their favorite restaurant for drinks and sometimes food. I could still drink wine. There were also the messages where she threatened to kill herself and many that were quite hateful. Those messages tended to make me a little angry and actually helped bolster my resolve.

I had been told more than once "do not read any messages Courtney sends to you." I understood the reason why was because it could be extremely upsetting and too tempting to respond. On the other hand, it was reassuring that she was alright for the moment and at that point I needed reassurance. It was pure torture wondering what she was doing and if she was alright. There were a few times I had to sneek off to read a text message. I kept my phone on vibrate in case my husband or others were around in case she sent a message. After about two weeks Ron called me to say that he had cut off Courtney's texting feature on her phone. That was the best thing he could have done. She could still call 911 for help if needed but she did not realize that she could no longer text anyone. I later learned that when she would get no reply it really got to her. In the meantime I kept myself busy helping Ron at his office for a few hours a day.

Our plan was that when Courtney hit bottom we would take her therapist's advice and find a good halfway house for her. To keep myself occupied I would spend hours perusing the internet looking for a suitable place to send her when she "hit bottom" or realized that she had no other option except living on the streets. I wanted to get her far enough away in a totally different environment where she could concentrate on herself with few distractions from home. I wanted to send her someplace she could stay for a long, long time.

Searching the internet and attending Al-Anon meetings were the two things that helped me the most. It was having something constructive to do that would help ease the depression I was feeling. Concentrating on looking online at different halfway houses gave me something else to think about. I had to believe that she would be ready to go someplace soon so I wanted to have a place selected for her. I couldn't bring myself to go to my doctor and ask for anti-depressants. It would be too hard for me to explain everything I was going through to him. I just did not feel like talking about it. Ron did go to our doctor because of the anxiety he was dealing with and obtained a prescription for a tranquilizer. I just stuck with wine.